To celebrate the season of Hanakkuh, I am telling 8 of the funniest Jeff stories that I can think of. Here's the first.
The Dairy Queen Chronicles
So, back when I lived in NY I used to date a girl named Jocelyn. She was great for me because she helped me get out of shell. I definitely needed it. But, by the same token, she was a little impulsive for me. There were many times where I didn't know what was coming next. It usually takes 2 to Tango, so I'm going to leave the rest of that alone. While dating, we frequently visited this Dairy Queen near Angola, NY. Somewhere out there, there is someone reading this that will remember this incident. It was back in 1996. There are 2 that I'm going to bridge into 1.
Jocelyn liked to egg me on at various points and her sister Alison and I would return the favor by acting like #4 from the movie, Multiplicity. For some reason, we enjoyed doing this in public at the top of our lungs.
One day, we are in a tremendously long line, waiting to order our Blizzards. She kept doing something annoying. I don't have a clue what she was doing, but it was something along the lines of giving me a wet willie or flicking my ear. I told her to stop. She did it again. I told her to stop again. She did it again. After some time, you've got to realize that if you don't stop something, it will continue to happen. I told her that if she did that again, then there would be consequences. Always one to push the envelope, she chuckled and did it again. I picked her up and threw her, butt first, into a nearby bush. The best part was completely unintentional on my part. She fell rather far into the bush, and therefore couldn't get out. Imagine sitting in a chair and putting your feet into the air so that are feet are about 2 feet apart with your toes pointed to the ceiling (your feet should be above your head). Now take your arms and reach out as if trying to touch your toes. This is what Jocelyn looked like. Now, the 2nd best part was everyone in line that was standing around us. They began to laugh and cackle wildly. I think at one point someone helped her out. It certainly wasn't me. I was laughing too hard.
So, we get our blizzards and go sit in my car to eat them. Jocelyn sticks her finger in her blizzard and wipes it on my nose. Ugh! Disgusting. Nothing like melted ice cream near your nose on a hot summer evening. I told her to stop. She did it again. At this point, the germ-a-phob in me is starting to get anxious. I told her that if she did it again there would be consequences. Let me add in at this time that Jocelyn had long blond hair that was probably one of her favorite features. She wiped along slug's worth on my nose. At that point, I dug my hand into my Blizzard, whipped it out like I was rip starting a lawn mower, and ran my ice cream filled hand down the back of her head. She slapped the back of my scalp with a hand ful of her Blizzard. Before long, we were wrestling in the front seat of my car with ice cream flying everywhere. I sold my car in 1999 and there was still ice cream on the ceiling of that car the day I parted with it. So, we finished, and drove back to her parents house where my belongings were that I had to retreive to go home. In order to get my things I had to go through the living room where Jocelyn's mom was watching tv. We walked in and Jocelyn and I are both standing there in the hallway with crap eating grins on our faces. We're waving "Hi" as if nothing is wrong. Full disclosure; at this point, we're both covered with ice cream from head to toe. There are literally chunks of Blizzard mix in Jocelyn's hair. I had more Blizzard paraphenelia on my face than a Native America's application of war paint. Her mom looked us up and down like a meat head would undress the most popular girl in school. "You two are disgusting, " she snarled our way. We both let out a huge cackle and ran upstairs. My car smelled so bad for weeks. I remember several times getting in thinking that I had the B.O. car from Seinfeld.
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