When I first moved out of my parents house, I knew that getting gifts for my family was a given, but beyond that it was always a guessing game who to get gifts for. I worked 2 part time jobs to pay my rent and bills, so anything more than that was very difficult to scrape together the money for. I thought to myself that the worst thing would be if someone got me a gift and I didn't have anything to give them in return. For some reason, I felt a great deal of shame if someone did something nice for me without me being able to show my appreciation in return. So, in my mind, I had to be prepared. What I did, was I went to the store and bought a bunch of random, gender neutral gifts.
Ok, to be clear, these gifts were total crap. If someone gave me a gift like this, I would look at the gift, raise an eyebrow and think to myself, "What am I supposed to do with this?" I honestly think that I would consider whether or not we were actually friends. Come to think of it, that may explain some things about the culmination of a few friendships around that time period that I couldn't quite put my finger on. "Hmm, that's weird, I haven't heard from so and so in awhile."
I went home and wrapped the gifts and put them in the trunk of my car. If anyone ever gave me a gift, I'd ask them to wait while I went back to the car to get their gift. I would go into the trunk and take a pen and write their name on the tag and give them one of the random gifts of crap from my Giftmobile. I don't recall how many of these gifts I gave out, but looking back on this I couldn't help but thinking it was a classic case of the thought that counts. Clearly in this case, I had put as much thought into the gifts as a falling tree gave to the ground it was about to hit. So, as I would hand over these gifts with a smile spreading across my face, I can only imagine the looks of bewilderment when my friends would open these carcasses of the season. Let's just say that I recall looking for the gifts that would perfect and as part of the narrowing down process, "Makin' Bacon" did not make the cut. So, ask yourself, if a microwavable tray to put bacon on is not a worthy enough gift, what must these poor people have received as gifts? Let me tell you that I didn't make these gifts, which, in retrospect would have been a much more compelling show of friendship. I actually bought these items and it was in the day before the Dollar Store took off, so there was some financial value...
As I type that last line, I realize how I must have gotten ripped off, because clearly I could have gotten much better gifts for just a dollar.
Consider that I could have purchased a fruit cake, a book, a dog toy, a Christmas stuffed animal, candy, a bottle of gatorade, or even a ridiculous looking figurine that I am positive Helen Keller must have constructed. But no, these gifts would not do. I had to get a gift that looked as if it washed ashore on a random beach. To think that each one of these gifts would have been ten steps to the positive makes me sick because now I'm realizing that I bought these nuggets of misfortune as a means to save face and I didn't even do that because there were better options available. So, if for a moment I would have stopped thinking of myself and tried to think of others, then this could have been something more than a frenzy of B.S. that I attempted to pull over the faces of my friends.
So, consider that instead of giving a gift of dung, I stepped in it myself.
My ideas surrounding gift giving have evolved from decrepit to less heinous through the years. Last year, we had given a gift to our friend, Wendy. Trust me, I've learned my lesson and if I can't find a thoughtful gift, a gift card to this person's favorite place or restaurant seems to be appreciated much more than the homemade coupon book that reads "Good for one ride to work" or "Good for one night of hanging out with me"(Let's be honest, who wouldn't want a piece of that action, but there's only so much of me to go around). Wendy, so overjoyed with our gift, responded that we shouldn't expect a gift from her in the future, because she is bad with dates. What does that mean? We're not asking her out on a date. We put back the calendar that would were going to give as a gift with my birthday starred. I mean, was our gift that objectionable? Was it so bad that the only possible reaction elicited was amongst the lowest forms of human emotion? I don't understand. While the bag of potpourri that resembled a batch harvested during the Carter Administration was at one point in my hand, I'm quite sure that I put that down in favor of Masterpiece Theatre Classics on 8-Track. At least that's what you would have thought based on the reaction we received. While a "Thank You" seems most appropriate in these scenarios, I suppose an "I'm not going to find it necessary to remember your birthday" is probably a close second, right? I'm pretty sure that the disconnect comes from the fact that I provide Wendy with my birthday list beginning on the day after my birthday from the previous year. In my defense, I do label the top as birthday SUGGESTIONS, not requirements. I mean, if you can't tell your friends about that new car, or Blu-Ray Player, etc, then who can you tell? I believe that your friends should recognize the considerable effort put forth to create a quality list of items that would really make my day. I could have put down items I didn't really want, but would be inexpensive, like the "Sham-Wow", a jar of black olives, or perhaps a "Rock Star" energy drink. Let's be honest, who would a list like that help? Well, as much as hate to say this, I will never again be purchasing a "My friend went to El Paso and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" gift. I believe I've realized to quit while I'm ....well, let's just not finish that line.
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